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Edition # 15
How to cope with Scottish weather
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How to cope with Scottish weather

2.4.14

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The “Big Yin”, Billy Connolly, once famously pointed out that there’s no such thing as bad weather; there’s just inappropriate clothing. And he was absolutely right. There is no such thing as bad weather - in California, which is where he was living when he said it. (In California of course he’s known as the “Big Palooka”.)

In Scotland, however, there’s no such thing as good weather. Indeed, the “weather” is so uniformly grey, drab, cold, wet, awful, depressing and ghastly that it can scarcely be said to be ”weather” at all. It’s just a sort of bad thing in the sky that insists on dribbling onto the ground.

Now (and by “now” I mean “about nine years ago”) that Billy has moved back to Scotland, he, like the rest of us, will be in need of a coping strategy. In this thoughtful article we shall explore some of the more successful ways that modern Scots deal with the “Horrible Bastard”, as the climate is affectionately known.


Gambling.

 

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There’s a lot to be said for gambling, and very little in the way of a downside, probably. Shut the curtains, turn the central heating up to eleven, wrap yourself in a duvet and log on to an online casino for some poker or roulette. Within just a few short minutes, you’ll probably be so awash with winnings that even the idea of money will literally start to bore you. Voila! You’ve forgotten about the weather completely. I haven’t tried it myself, but that’s almost certainly what’s going to happen.


Drinking.

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In the unlikely event that gambling doesn’t produce the expected results, you might try a new craze that’s catching on amongst some of the more broad-minded sections of Scottish society – drink. The great thing about developing a mild-to-moderate alcohol dependency is that there’s always something to look forward to (a bit like smoking, which is also recommended). An added benefit is that alcohol appears to insulate the human body against bad weather, which is why it’s sometimes known as “Hasselhoff’s Blanket”.


Hobbies.

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Cookery, for example. Inventing a new recipe can be a lot of fun, and having the oven on all the time saves money on central heating, conceivably. Here’s a list of basic ingredients you should always have to hand:

1. Pork scratchings.
2. Two litres of hot melted lard.
3. A tin of neeps. (Dried neeps work almost as well if you can’t get hold of tinned ones.)
4. Batter.
5. A bucket of Dettol and a mop for afterwards.

So there we have it. By now you should be able to see that your life doesn’t have to be blighted by the weather, and if it is, just be a bit more like Sean Connery; (a) toughen up and (b) move to the Bahamas.

(Images courtesy of arcticphoto.co.uk, oregon.gov, foodnews.ch, fonterrafoodservices.com.au)

 

 

 

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