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empty space gif Edition # 2
Best before the end
World news through our eyes
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Saddam unclear missile threat

Saddam Hussein could be ready to uneash a deadly new range of unclear weapons within weeks, say Pentagon officials.

The so-called 'Scuffed' missiles not only have an unknown range and accuracy, but are coated with near-stealth technology which makes them flickery on radar and and blurred to the human eye.
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Further, it is understood that Iraqi boffins have reverse engineered "smart bomb" technology to produce unclear weapons which are not sure what they are meant to be doing.
Three of the unclear missiles or so-called "demented bombs", are known to have been tested. One landed harmessly in the Persian Gulf while two others chased each other in circles for an hour before locking onto an ice cream van, killing the owner and four customers.
As Britain and the US prepare for war against Iraq, senior miitary figures warned of the dangers of unclear weapons which
do not differentiate between foe or friend.
General Frank Boyle told Wreckered "We face an enemy capable of producing and using weapons of mass destruction and who chooses to threaten the free world and itself with this new range of firepower".
An unnamed MOD source added, "We thought those Pakistanis and Indians were loopy what with having statues of missiles on their streets, but this latest move by Saddam confirms him as the world's number one fruitcake."
See http://cagle.slate.msn.com/saddam/

Site with dozens of Iraq crisis cartoons from various newspapers.
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Flying paedophiles

Police warned of a new threat from paedophiles who can fly. Using the latest NASA rocket propulsion jet pack, paeodiphiles can now fly over huge distances and swoop down on their unsuspecting prey.

"watch the skies"
While no child has been taken yet, parents are warned to "watch the skies" after Mike Johnston of Perth narrowly saved his son Fred from a flying paedophile. "We were walking through the Safeway car park" said the relieved father", and I saw this guy hovering over us, just sort of leering. So I flung tins of stuff at him till he fucked off over the roof of the supermarket."

DI John Stone of Perth police appealed to shoppers who may have seen a man hovering in the area at around 9.00am yesterday to contact the police.

Editorial comment in yourwreck

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Panto horse train terror
Tuesday night passengers on the Edinburgh to Glasgow shuttle were terrorised by a pantomime horse.
Said to be ten hands high and smelling "clearly of alcohol", the horse rampaged through carriages and assaulted a conductor before disembarking at Polmont High station.
Commuter Dylan Grice took this snap (right) just before the horse head- butted him and threatened to shag his wife. "We were paralysed with fear", said Mr Grice. "All I could think was what the fuck is all this on the Edinburgh to Glasgow train ?"
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The horse is described as pantomimey, of medium height, black with white spots and a white face. Strathclyde Police appealed to any witnesses to come forward. The horse was last seen heading "at a fair old clip" towards the all night garage in Polmont.
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Barrymore: Sink or Swim say Cops
The fatal accident inquiry into the death of a man in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool took another bizarre twist when the troubled star's ex-wife claimed that Barrymore had committed perjury.
unable to swim
Barrymore had claimed that he was nowhere near the pool, as he is unable to swim. Police are to investigate the claim, and have appointed Detective Superintendent Joe Heenan - the so-called Crimefinder General to lead the inquiries. Wreckered has discovered that DS Heenan wants Barrymore to be thrown into a swimming pool similar to his own. If he floats, he will be immediately arrested and charged with lying to the court. If he drowns, then he will be declared innocent.
Barrymore's ex-wife would then be charged with wasting police time, and could, according to ancient law, be burned at the stake. DS Heenan said yesterday, "I don't want to prejudice the investigation, but if this man couldn't swim, what the fuck was he doing with a swimming pool ?"
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Michael Barrymore
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