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empty space gif Edition # 2
Best before the end
World news through our eyes
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MUGABE DEMANDS MOUSTACHE RETURN
Zimbabwe prez Robert Mugabe has demanded the return of all the moustaches which he claims were stolen by white men.
firebrand
At a rally in Harare, the firebrand despot blamed colonial settlers for taking the majority of facial hair from Africans, leaving many with only a comical narrow strip of moustache.
scalp
War veterans vowed to "scalp" the moustache of any white farmer who defies the a 1st November shaving deadline.
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Robert Mugabe
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MAN WHO KILLED WIFE FOR TALKING THROUGH FILMS GOES FREE
Women's groups condemned the decision to let Keith Foster go free after being found not guilty of murdering his wife.
anguish
Judge Herman Stamp instructed the jury to take into account years of anguish Foster had suffered from his wife Kathleen who would chatter pointlessly through films and videos.
dumb ass shit
"I've been there myself", said the judge. "Certain people can't watch a simple action movie video without feeling the need to say dumb ass shit like "are we supposed to believe that a guy on a motorbike could actually leap right across four police cars ?"
burglar
Judge Stamp, who once shot a burglar "for making too much noise while I was watching True Lies", recommended 6 months community service and anything with Jean Claude Van Damme in it.
The bail was set so low that the defendant didn't even need to take out payday loans to cover it.
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POPE - "ITS ALL BALONEY"

The Pope stunned millions of followers worldwide when he claimed in a televised mass that "it is all baloney".
In a rambling and often incoherent addresss on Italian state television, he went on to say, "I'm the man. l'm infallible. So look, when somene like me tells you that the whole thing is a pile of mad mumbo-jumbo, you better listen up".
Vatican watchers claimed that ailing health had contributed to the papal outburst.

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NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL ACTUALLY FROM HELL

Notorious Dundee neighbours from hell the McGarvey family are actually from the real Hell, claim Dundee City Council.
In a startling response to claims of inaction after a court order decreed that the family could be lawfully evicted, city councillors claim that they lack the powers to do so because the McGarvey's are actual minions of Beelzebub, mingling amongst mortals whilst they guard the portals to eternal fire.

scorn
Residents poured scorn on this claim. "They're just a bunch of fucking bastards, that's all there is to it", said one.

liason
Jim Balfour of the housing comittee told Wreckered, "We are presently in liason with representatives from the Catholic church. I can assure residents that the McGarveys will either be evicted or exorcised.
We will be serving a final notice to the family just as soon as we can find a Jesuit Priest willing to go up there and hand it to them."

BRITNEY CLOTHED PHOTO FURY

Pop temptress Britney Spears was said today to be furious at shock clothed photo.
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britney boob
hidden under jacket
role model
Seen above wearing the shock clothes -but just about to ged em off! - the pop diva is inconsolable. "Britney cares about what her fans think" said a spokesman. "She takes her role as a role model seriously."
baby
Below, the famous picture of Britney Spears the role model dressed in skimpy clothes, pushing a child's bicycle and with the word "baby" witten on her ass.

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BATON OF TRUTH A HOAX
The Baton of Truth, unearthed in France last month, is believed to be a hoax baton. Farmer Jose Vicenze claimed his dog had dug up the sacred object in a field (see wreckered edition 1). Carbon dating has shown the find to be only two years old and made of a toilet roll tube with gold cellophane stuck on.
tests
Boffins say they will conduct further tests before announcing their findings in the science journal Nature.
A source told Wreckered, however, "If this thing is the real Baton of Truth I'm the King of China".
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