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empty space gif Edition # 4
Sometime 2003
World news through our eyes
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MOD man claims to know what war is good for
The MoD came under fire yesterday for claiming to know what war is good for. Top brass are said to have denounced funk icon Edwin Starr as an idiot for claiming that war is good for absolutely nothing. They blasted him too for asking people to "say it again."

empty space gif Edwin Starr seventies funk icon under fire from MoD

"The build up to war can often help an economy", said Major Tim Black, "And the opportunities after a conflict for Western companies to repair the loser's country are well documented. Also, the TV footage of bombings and so-forth can be awesome."

Holly Johnson of 80's gay rockers Frankie Goes to Hollywood backed his funk icon hero. "We did a version of the song "War" because we feel that Edwin spoke the truth. Truth is a powerful weapon. As is the power of love, which comes from above."

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Shroud of Santa found

Historians claim to have found the shroud of Saint Nicholas, the original Santa Claus.
Jurgen Glotte, of the Norway Institute, said "We are 90% sure that this is the actual cloth in which St Nicholas' body was wrapped. You can clearly see the outline of what appears to be a big red hat with a bobbly bit."

Health Minister's Xmas Warning

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Malcolm Gismo
Health Minister Malcolm Gismo today issued a response to the latest tuberculosis scare, warning anyone drinking over the Christmas period to beware of the possible symptoms of the infection. "Anyone who suffers vomiting, dizziness or incoherent verbal outbursts after drinking more than they normally do, should seek medical help. Medical staff will be only too pleased to have Accident & Emergency wards full to the brim of drunken party-goers worried about TB."
The real danger may be that symptoms go unnoticed until the following morning. "Headaches and bouts of the squirts are indicators of TB. They must be treated immediately with poultices and leeches."
5 million leeches are on their way from Iraq to deal with the epidemic. Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein is still the most evil man in the universe apart from Skeletor.
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Sex swap fight over pony in a bathroom

is a headline from the Daily Record of 12 December. We make no comment.

Agony Aunt - my ant agony
TV agony aunt Priscilla Keith told of her terrifying ordeal while on safari with her husband David in South Africa.

empty space gif syrup ant similar to the ants which feasted on the flesh of agony aunt Priscilla Keith.

"I was captured by safari bandits and dragged to a clearing", she told a shocked book signing in Edinburgh. "They tied me to an anthill. They covered me in a type of jungle syrup and poked sticks into the anthill. The ants feasted on my flesh. The agony was unbearable"

It was only when a park ranger patrol arrived and stumbled upon the scene that Priscilla's agony ended. But even then the agony did not end. The ensuing gunfight killed two of the bandits but left David fighting for life after being shot in the eyebrow.

Fortunately David he has made an almost full recovery. "He's fine" said Priscilla, "Although, to be honest, he can't hold a tune as well as he used to."


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