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Edition # 6
World news through our eyes
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because there is only one you

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Seonaid Divine
Keeping an eye on the stars for you. Seonaid says "My VIP passes get me in anywhere - but I bring my readers in with me"

My good friend, bestselling author Val Day, has written a racy short story especially for Lifestyle readers. You can read "The Early Bird" below.

SPOTTED

Party girl Jodie Marsh buying cider in Edinburgh's Waverley Station.

Big Brother winner Cameron throwing rocks at a cat in Kirkwall.

Was that Amanda Holden seen out on the town with foul-mouthed comedian Jerry Sadowitz ?


And in Sheffield last week, was that hunky Gary Lucy from Footballer's Wives getting mobbed by men outside a bookies ?


Send your celebrity sightings to Seonaid

FASHION

empty space gifGlosso 17 Home Botox Kit allows you to chase away wrinkles in the comfort of your own home.

Also by Glosso 17, a new weapon to fight split ends. Locksmooth Gel kills the germs which cause split ends while gently massaging the follicles.

For bigging up your hair while protecting it from the summer sun's damaging rays, try John Frieda Sheer Blonde Full-Blown Blonde Volumising Spray.
Note - always use a protective spray before blow drying. This lets frizz know who is boss.

ANGUISH DIARY
the personal life of Seonaid Divine - lifestyle diva


Jesus Christ Almighty I hate this pish. If I didn't owe money to fourteen different credit cards I could give this crap up and manage to get some sleep at nights without gulping down three bottles of red wine and enough Nyte-Al to tranquilize a Minke whale.

Last night my best friend Sara tried to cheer me up by saying I should count my blessings and that many people would envy my role as a Lifestyle Diva.
I cracked her over the skull with a heavy ashtray and then tried to get off with the ambulance driver. He slapped me and told me I was hysterical. All men are bastards. I'm seeing him next week.

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With the news that hit show Sex And The City is in its final season, wreckered thought it time to canvas
six of the the women of Scotland about their men. Here are the shock results from our Sex Poll...

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I think he's gay
Ali 33 from Partick says, " My man is a bit camp. While I have no complaints in the bedroom,
many of my friends don't believe he is a true Scottish man because he reads Sunday supplements.
Now and again he calls me Al - but that just kind of turns me on."


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He gets dead romantic when he's drunk
Marie-Ann 34 from Inverness says, "He gets dead soppy after a few pints of Tennents.
He can't make love in that state, but his patter is hilarious. I often text my friends to tell them
what sort of mental mad bilge he comes out with."


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My man is a real man
Eva 25 from Edinburgh says, "I have no complaints. My man Bill is a real man.
Strong when he should be, sensitive when he should be and, when aroused,
he has a dick that could beat a burglar to death."


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He thinks I like acting out porn star things
Sally 37 from Auchterarder says, "He puts on Marvin Gaye cds and hopes that I'll walk
around wearing lipstick and pushing my hair back".



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My inverted nipples scare him
Fiona 19 from Glasgow says, "Many men get well freaked because I have inverted nipples.
I guess if my partner had an inverted willie that would be a bit awkward - but nipples are just
nipples and fortunately my current man has a tongue like a gekko."


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He gets annoyed if I don't orgasm
Sara from Glasgow says, "He goes in the huff if I don't climax. I know we should be honest with
each other, but sometimes I fake it and that way we can get it over with and watch Sky Sports
together and phone for a curry."
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The Divine Helpline - Send your e-mails to Seonaid

I read that Carol Smillie is a big fan of a skin care product called Dream Cream. Where can I get it ? Anwar Khan, London.

Carol was seen in Glasgow recently buying five kilos of this product. Available from Lush.

My husband is keen to buy a velour tracksuit. I'm at my wits end trying to find one. Any ideas, Seonaid? Kerri Kay, Alloa.

If it is similar to the one worn by Justin Timberlake, try Ellese stores. The Ellesse Velour retails at £125, but if your fella looks half as good as Justin in it, it'd be cheap at twice the price !!
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The Early Bird by Val Day

An exclusive short story for wreckered magazine


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Darling, you're early! I wasn't expecting you for ages, but come in, come in. It's good that you're here because I need your advice.

Walter ran a finger nervously round his collar and hesitated before stepping over the threshold. This was not the welcome he had expected.

Dinah Rich stood back, hands on pink satin-clad hips, and with head on one side looked him up and down. You look great, darling; love the suit. Walter found himself shepherded into the lounge and deposited onto a large, white sofa.

Now, what would you like to drink, darling?

Walter opened his mouth to reply ..

Champagne? said Dinah, already pouring it.

No, I....

He held the glass nervously and took a sip. Walter felt his face growing hot as he was propelled into the bedroom. Dresses hung on hangers from every crevice.

Now, give me your opinion, darling. What about this one? Dinah selected a short, red floaty number and held it up in front of her. Or this one?

A calf-length black Chanel replaced the red.
We've got to get this right, darling. It's very important. Mimi Ethelberger will be there. You do know her don't you, darling? Fantastic dress sense; dreadful woman.
Walter helped himself from a tray of canapes and arranged his features into a pose of studied concern. He noted with alarm that his empty glass had been re-filled. He selected another canape and plumped for the black Chanel.

Are you sure, darling? Isn't it a tad Anne Robinson?
Walter thought that it might be.

So, the red then, darling? Yes, definitely the red. And what about the diamonds? Yes? Good. Gorgeous aren't they? My third husband, Oswald Rich IV, gave them to me. He had to go, of course, but I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds!

Dinah's laughter tinkled round the apartment. She slipped out of the pink satin and into the red floaty. Walter's third canape got stuck in his throat and an almighty splutter sent a shower of crumbs shooting about the room.

He had just finished zipping up Dinah's dress and was helping her fasten the diamonds, when the phone rang.

Late? said Dinah. Yes. Right. OK. 15 minutes you say? Yes, yes, thank you.

Dinah replaced the receiver and turned to Walter. You're not from The American Lady in Britain Escort Agency are you?

Walter, newest door-to-door recruit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Sackcloth and Abstinence, could only admit, reluctantly, that he wasn't.
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