MILL GRINDS TO HALT
After being in overdrive for nine years, the Rumour Mill has finally
ground to a halt. Boffins at the Data Processing Centre in Surrey
are working round the clock to get the gigantic machine back
John Beckett of RPC said, "We've been warning about
years but no-one would listen."
The meltdown is blamed on the massive and accelarating increase in
recent years of celebrity gossip, football transfer speculation and
political spin. Data overload finally brought the machine grinding
to a halt late Tuesday evening. Back-up systems are said to be coping
- but only just. A DPC staffer told wreckered "It only needs
one soap opera to leak details of a forthcoming murder and we're all
The Rumour Mill was built in 1993 and designed to sift and verify
rumour and low level intelligence. Despite numerous upgrades over
the years, the machine is said to have been red-lining constantly
since the months leading up to the millenium Y2K scare. Mr Beckett
said, "The original design did
not anticipate the volume of baseless
rumour with which we now have to deal. It was never intended
milling information at this rate."
Colleague Steve Hemphill, senior physicist at the DPC, said, "Imagine
having a domestic food blender on 24/7 and you just keep on putting
more bits of egg and avocado and breadcrumbs into it. Eventually something's
got to give."
Repeated requests for government funding to build a second rumour
mill on the site of the Millenium Dome have fallen on deaf ears. DPC
bigwigs are said to furious with what they see as New Labour ambivalence.
Chief scientist Alan Bering told wreckered, "The whole country
knows that the rumour mill is always in overdrive. Its been an open
secret for years. This was a time bomb waiting to happen."
SPEX ACTUALLY WORK - an exclusive by Milton Banks
It was revealed today that the toy x-ray spex advertised for decades
at the back of Marvel and DC comics actually work. Sworn to secrecy
and knowing when they were on to a good thing, generations of young
boys have kept tightlipped about this astonishing secret for nearly
fifty years. Boffins predict that the devices will be of immense benefit
to surgeons, the military and airport security systems.
Muslim leaders have called for a ban on the spex, fearing that their
ability to see underneath burkhas will lead to "moral carnage".
|JOCKEY RESCUED FROM FUNNEL
Hi-jinks at a stag weekend turned to horror when jockey Pat
Mills became trapped in the funnel of a Cal Mac ferry. Other
jockeys raised the alarm, leading to a dramatic rescue involving
a coast guard helicopter. Gourock-Dunoon ferry steward David
Cosgrove told wreckered, "All these jockeys were completely
hammered before they even got on the boat. One of them climbed
up on the funnel and was sitting on the edge of it singing and
then the rest of them
started throwing pies and biscuits at
him and he fell in."
hopelessly in the funnel, Mills could only look up anxiously
as jockeys looked down anxiously. Quick thinking staff poured
gallons of soapy liquid down the funnel to grease the groom-to-be
before a winch from the helicopter was lowered into the funnel
to pull the hapless jockey free. Mills was taken to Paisley
General Hospital suffering from broken ribs, 2nd degree burns,
smoke inhalation, alcohol poisoning, sea-sickness and detergent
ingestion. His friends partied on.
|NEW - Fun and Games