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Edition # 8
World news through our eyes
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empty space gifTHE MATRIX IS REAL
Scots boffins claimed today to have built a matrix for a worm colony. Echoing the plot of the hit movie The Matrix, each worm is constantly sedated and receives electrical stimuli to the brain, which makes it think it is burrowing or feeding or "doing normal worm stuff".

"We located the parts of the worm brain which deal with pleasure and recreation," said team leader Jackie Porter. "By manipulating their neural networks, each worm thinks it is free and burrowing around in the soil". Unlike the evil overlords in the Keanu Reeves film, Porter and his team have no plans to use the worm colony as an energy source.

Said Porter, "We don't believe the worms are actively looking for a special worm who is "the One", but I guess you never know. We've painted a few of them black and put tiny sunglasses on them, but really that's just for a laugh."

The science team, based at Glasgow University, receive central funding of £1M a year and are said to be at the cutting edge of "blue sky" research in neural networks and genetic codeware. Church leaders and animal rights groups have united to condemn the experiments. Cardinal Keith O' Brien described the worm matrix as an offence to morality, while Del Tavender of Animal Aware called on the government to stop funding such work, citing fears for future applications of the technology. He told wreckered, "The world is under threat from maverick science. Today the worm - tomorrow the unemployed."

empty space gifPorter dismissed the criticisms. "We have no plans for world domination. And there is nothing in the Bible about building a matrix-style alternative reality for worms. Even if there was, it'd be a bit rich for the religious to get huffy, given that they're forever banging on about how things will be better when we are dead." Colleague Sandy Jones agreed. "My sister used to go out with a philosopher - so don't even start me on all that."

Porter is no stranger to controversy, having last year produced a GM monkey that could weave webs like a spider. The horror monkey died in Porter's laboratory after escaping from its cage and attacking an octopus which knew judo.
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empty space gifBRAS FOR MEN
Bra companies welcomed the news that overweight men are buying themselves bras. The shock find was made by consumer research group Markette, whose studies show that men with breasts have at last opted to use minimising bras to reduce their cleavage.

Markette co-ordinator Sally Anderson said "With men more interested than ever in personal grooming and fashion, it was only a matter of time before the bra became an option for the larger gentleman."

Bra company Ultimo are set to release a range of Man Bras in the run-up to Christmas. "They will be marketed specifically to appeal to the male psyche" says Ultimo. "For instance, our sports bra range has been adapted for the male market and will be available in shops as the Off-Road Bra."

Read our columnist John Crow's verdict in yourwreck
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empty space gifDIANA AT PEACE WITH ELVIS
In the wake of recent revelations about the late princess Diana, famed medium Betty van Eyck claims that the tragic icon has found peace at last with Elvis Presley. "I spoke to Diana last week", said van Eyck, "and she told me of her love for Elvis".

The claims echo those of other spiritualists, who have reported in recent weeks that the princess of hearts and the king of rock n roll are a match made in heaven. The deceased celebrities are said to have found solace in each other's arms. "Elvis wants to be Diana's teddy bear", said van Eyck. "He has told her that he didn't want to be her lion, 'cos lions ain't the kind that love enough."

Top London medium Alyson Klee confirmed reports of the shock affair, telling wreckered that "everyone in limbo is talking about it". She warns however that Diana has yet to find true peace in the afterlife. "Diana's desire for attention is still with her. She is upset that there are more sightings of Elvis than of her. Last week she was so depressed that she flung hersef through a harp."

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