GANG KIDNAPS KIDNAP GANG
The world of kidnapping was rocked after a botched raid led to a
Colombian kidnap gang kidnapping another kidnap gang. In a scene
worthy of an inspector Cluseau film, Colombian FNAR rebels mistook
seven rival FNRA rebels for Australian tourists and kidnapped them.
FNRA man Juan Vicente escaped by pretending to be gay then leaping
over a cliff - breaking a leg in the process and crawling 28 miles
back to his base. In a video released to news organisations he described
the kidnapping. "We were lying in wait for an American banker
and his wife and the next thing these fools came round the corner
pointing guns at us and shouting and swearing. They put sacks over
our heads and we were bundled into a van and driven into the jungle.
Then they marched us for miles. Unreal. I mean, they just kidnapped
the fuck out of us."
The FNAR kidnappers forced the FNRA kidnappers to march in silence
deep into the jungles of Western Colombia. It was only when a ransom
demand was sent to puzzled American Embassy officials that the mistake
was spotted. Sharp-eyed officials in the FNRA heard of the demand
and put two and two together. "We contacted the FNAR and they
demanded a ransom for the return of our boys" said commandante
Joe Raul. "We told them that we do not negotiate with kidnappers."
Colombian police chief Martin Valdez said "We have 3000 kidnappings
a year in this country. The real surprise is that this hasn't happened
before. We're hoping it may be the start of a trend."
ADDICT STOLE FROM CHARITY
A spam addict posed as a charity worker in order to feed his addiction.
John Crick, 29, of West Lothian, used a stolen World Wildlife Fund
bib to fool members of the public into filling his charity tin. The
money was used to pay Crick's £27 a month ADSL bill. Crick was
sentenced to 100 hours community serice in what is seen as the first
court case involving a spam addict.
Net watchers point to the minimal use of filters and other anti-spam
software as a guide to an increase in the number of people ever more
keen to receive unsolicited mail. Eddie Cowan of support group Spambush
explained "At first people were curious about spam, then irritated
and now simply ambivalent. Familiarity has, in some cases, bred a
Crick, a roofing technician, told how he would sometimes not check
his mail for three or four days in order to receive an avalanche of
spam when he eventually went online. "The rush is amazing"
said Crick. "Its like suddenly I have ten or fifteen brand new
friends who all want to help me get in on an amazing investment opportunity
or who sometimes just want to help me grow a bigger dick."
DATES JAMES BROWN
Pop goddess Britney Spears has dumped lover Justin Timberlake for
the godfather of soul James Brown. Friends revealed the affair after
Britney was seen leaving the ageing soul star's mansion at 3am. "She
has always had this thing about older men" said one "And
keep her hands off new beau James."
Brown, whose concert rider famously includes an oxygen tent at the
side of the stage, is said to be head over heels for Britney, who
was only three years old when her new man celebrated his 50th year
in showbiz.. Sam Moore, close friend of the wizened funk legend, told
"I've never seen James so happy in years. He spends
all day long going "Hunghh!" and doing the camel
the mashed potato. I mean, he is really vibed up about this."
Heartbroken Justin is said to be seeking solace in the arms of Kylie
sister Danni Minogue.