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Edition # 8
World news through our eyes
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The world of kidnapping was rocked after a botched raid led to a Colombian kidnap gang kidnapping another kidnap gang. In a scene worthy of an inspector Cluseau film, Colombian FNAR rebels mistook seven rival FNRA rebels for Australian tourists and kidnapped them.

FNRA man Juan Vicente escaped by pretending to be gay then leaping over a cliff - breaking a leg in the process and crawling 28 miles back to his base. In a video released to news organisations he described the kidnapping. "We were lying in wait for an American banker and his wife and the next thing these fools came round the corner pointing guns at us and shouting and swearing. They put sacks over our heads and we were bundled into a van and driven into the jungle. Then they marched us for miles. Unreal. I mean, they just kidnapped the fuck out of us."

The FNAR kidnappers forced the FNRA kidnappers to march in silence deep into the jungles of Western Colombia. It was only when a ransom demand was sent to puzzled American Embassy officials that the mistake was spotted. Sharp-eyed officials in the FNRA heard of the demand and put two and two together. "We contacted the FNAR and they demanded a ransom for the return of our boys" said commandante Joe Raul. "We told them that we do not negotiate with kidnappers." Colombian police chief Martin Valdez said "We have 3000 kidnappings a year in this country. The real surprise is that this hasn't happened before. We're hoping it may be the start of a trend."

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A spam addict posed as a charity worker in order to feed his addiction. John Crick, 29, of West Lothian, used a stolen World Wildlife Fund bib to fool members of the public into filling his charity tin. The money was used to pay Crick's £27 a month ADSL bill. Crick was sentenced to 100 hours community serice in what is seen as the first court case involving a spam addict.

Net watchers point to the minimal use of filters and other anti-spam software as a guide to an increase in the number of people ever more keen to receive unsolicited mail. Eddie Cowan of support group Spambush explained "At first people were curious about spam, then irritated and now simply ambivalent. Familiarity has, in some cases, bred a dependancy."
Crick, a roofing technician, told how he would sometimes not check his mail for three or four days in order to receive an avalanche of spam when he eventually went online. "The rush is amazing" said Crick. "Its like suddenly I have ten or fifteen brand new friends who all want to help me get in on an amazing investment opportunity or who sometimes just want to help me grow a bigger dick."
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Pop goddess Britney Spears has dumped lover Justin Timberlake for
the godfather of soul James Brown. Friends revealed the affair after Britney was seen leaving the ageing soul star's mansion at 3am. "She has always had this thing about older men" said one "And she can't
keep her hands off new beau James."

Brown, whose concert rider famously includes an oxygen tent at the side of the stage, is said to be head over heels for Britney, who was only three years old when her new man celebrated his 50th year in showbiz.. Sam Moore, close friend of the wizened funk legend, told wreckered
"I've never seen James so happy in years. He spends all day long going "Hunghh!" and doing the camel
walk and the mashed potato. I mean, he is really vibed up about this."
Heartbroken Justin is said to be seeking solace in the arms of Kylie sister Danni Minogue.
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Trapeziums are the new Circles!
Paranormal Investigators are cock a hoop this month after an outbreak of non-circular shapes in fields across the country. Rectangles, ovals, rhomboids and trapeziums of flattened grass appeared throughout the summer. "They can't deny something strange is going on now," claims Dr Eric Marantz, senior lecturer in Parapsychology at the University of Paisley.

The variety of shapes, clearly visible from the air, seem to occur in grassed areas rather than corn fields like their circular cousins.
"These markings are smaller than some of the grand designs we've come to expect to see in corn fields and on the covers of rock music CDs, " said Marantz, "but there are more of them and they tend to group very closely together. We believe the energies which create these shapes on the grass are attracted to the psychic aura of large gatherings. For example, in the fields round Knebworth and Glastonbury recently, we saw thousands of examples of these shapes on the grass. They have also cropped up near areas of natural beauty or historical interest". Dr Marantz blasted counter claims of a connection between the shapes and the erection of tents: "I blast these counter claims, he told wreckered." Investigations continue.
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Man divorces wife for hating Dylan
Web designer Jerry Welsh celebrated his divorce yesterday after citing his wife's intolerance of his Dylan collection. The Edinburgh man claimed that that after 12 years of marriage, he had finally had enough. "Not only would she never let me put Bob on," he told reporters, "but when I did put him on, she'd roll her eyes and start mocking Bob's voice and all that."

Wife Jane reacted angrily. "The guy can't even sing properly. Its just whining. And the words - which are supposed to be really deep - are just a lot of made up rubbish." Welsh, 42, claimed his wife wouldn't know a decent lyric if it barked at her and started shagging her leg. From outside the court, he announced his intention to form a support group for men whose wives know bugger all about music. "It won't be exclusively Dylan-heads" said Welsh. "There are guys out there with Springsteen records and Meat Loaf records and who can only get playing them when the wife is out visiting her sister".

Psychologists point to rising numbers of divorces caused by music. "The popularity of MP3 and file sharing has accompanied a significant rise in divorce rates", said Dr John Teak. "Men are turning to the internet for the gratification that their wives do not provide at home. They then grow dis-satisfied with marriage and from there it is only a short walk to the divorce courts."
Welsh is presently crashing at his brother John's place. "Its not ideal" he said, "But at least I can put on Street Legal without John strumming a fish slice and doing stupid whiny impressions of Bob. Plus, he's been getting me into The Waterboys."

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An expert claims that the incidence of roadworks on public highways is tied to the movement of forces in nature. Stuart Brown of Holistic Sphere told the science magazine World that "Roadworks themselves are disparate yet unified parts of a single self regulating system - the road itself - contantly nourishing the host body, i.e the tarmac, whilst generating unexpected energies in the vicinity of the roadworks and beyond, often in the form of muttering".
When pressed further, Smith conceded that he wasn't entirely sure what he was talking about but claimed that the fact of his confusion only added weight to his theory.

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