"FULL OF ARSEHOLES"
What many have suspected for years has now been confirmed - Scotland
is full of arseholes.
The claim is made in a report by the National Census Analysis Group,
which examined in detail the demographic breakdowns provided by
the most recent UK wide census.
John Sargent of NCAG said, "Scotland showed consistently high
results across a wide range of negative indicators. Ignorance, ill
health, a misplaced superiority complex and a raft of other self-destructive
behaviours show Scotland to be one of the worst countries in the
Western world for just about anything you care to name".
The report, which runs to 115 pages, cites numerous instances of
disappointing national characteristics and
warns that without corrective action, Scotland is doomed to become
"the men's toilets in the third division football ground of
Ten reasons why Scotland is full of arseholes
Highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe ( 9,000 a year).
Riven by sectarianism
Huge incidences of heart disease and cancers
Home to vicious racism (up to and including the murder of refugees)
Confused view of history (often leading to anti-English attitudes)
Political ignorance (even when ripped off financially by politicians)
High degrees of piety
Increasing rates of crimes by working class people against other
working class people.
Above average levels of obesity.
Massive use of high interest store cards
Said Sargent, "It is sad and ironic that the country which
gave the world the Enlightenment has descended into a morass of
suspicious alcoholic dimwits incapable of getting out of the bath
without the assistance of a hoist and a vodka and the promise of
a fight once they're dry."
The NCAG report brought a surprisingly measured response from MSPs.
A spokesman for the SNP claimed that the findings only strengthened
the case for a fully independent Scotland. "Until the Scots
people take charge of their own affairs we will never be able to
tackle these issues head on and move forward to the future."
Archie Sim of the SSP told wreckered, "There is nothing in
this report which cannot be resolved by education."
Cammy Shields of the Scottish Tourist Board was more forthright.
"It is disgraceful to single Scotland out like this. I'm sure
that if you were to look at these figures proportionately, you'd
find that the bastard English have got just as many problems."
A straw poll around the wreckered office proved nothing. But here
are some of the comments:
"There are tons of great people in Scotland, but, unfortunately,
round every corner there's an arsehole".
"The sad thing is that the Scots are so demented that they
will take this new statistic on board and see it as a perverse source
of national pride. At least they no longer make the Hillman Imp."
"Wha's like us ? Gey few and they're a' embarrassed."
Is Scotland really full of arseholes ? We want to know your view.
Send an e-mail to arsehole
poll with "Arseholes-Yes" or" Arseholes- No"
in the subject line of your mail.