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Edition # 9
World news through our eyes
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empty space gifSCOTLAND "FULL OF ARSEHOLES"
What many have suspected for years has now been confirmed - Scotland is full of arseholes.
The claim is made in a report by the National Census Analysis Group, which examined in detail the demographic breakdowns provided by the most recent UK wide census.

John Sargent of NCAG said, "Scotland showed consistently high results across a wide range of negative indicators. Ignorance, ill health, a misplaced superiority complex and a raft of other self-destructive behaviours show Scotland to be one of the worst countries in the Western world for just about anything you care to name".
The report, which runs to 115 pages, cites numerous instances of disappointing national characteristics and
warns that without corrective action, Scotland is doomed to become "the men's toilets in the third division football ground of Europe."

Ten reasons why Scotland is full of arseholes
Highest rate of teenage pregnancies in Europe ( 9,000 a year).
Riven by sectarianism
Huge incidences of heart disease and cancers
Home to vicious racism (up to and including the murder of refugees)
Confused view of history (often leading to anti-English attitudes)
Political ignorance (even when ripped off financially by politicians)
High degrees of piety
Increasing rates of crimes by working class people against other working class people.
Above average levels of obesity.
Massive use of high interest store cards

Said Sargent, "It is sad and ironic that the country which gave the world the Enlightenment has descended into a morass of suspicious alcoholic dimwits incapable of getting out of the bath without the assistance of a hoist and a vodka and the promise of a fight once they're dry."

measured response
The NCAG report brought a surprisingly measured response from MSPs. A spokesman for the SNP claimed that the findings only strengthened the case for a fully independent Scotland. "Until the Scots people take charge of their own affairs we will never be able to tackle these issues head on and move forward to the future." Archie Sim of the SSP told wreckered, "There is nothing in this report which cannot be resolved by education."
Cammy Shields of the Scottish Tourist Board was more forthright. "It is disgraceful to single Scotland out like this. I'm sure that if you were to look at these figures proportionately, you'd find that the bastard English have got just as many problems."

straw poll
A straw poll around the wreckered office proved nothing. But here are some of the comments:
John Crow
"There are tons of great people in Scotland, but, unfortunately, round every corner there's an arsehole".
Jason Mack
"The sad thing is that the Scots are so demented that they will take this new statistic on board and see it as a perverse source of national pride. At least they no longer make the Hillman Imp."
That wee guy in the IT room who does the Javascript stuff
"Wha's like us ? Gey few and they're a' embarrassed."

your view
Is Scotland really full of arseholes ? We want to know your view. Send an e-mail to arsehole poll with "Arseholes-Yes" or" Arseholes- No" in the subject line of your mail.

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SPACE CRASH CAPTURED BY HUBBLE

The Voyager 1 spacecraft has been damaged after a collision with the deep space probe Pioneer 10. It was thought that Voyager 1 had overtaken Pioneer in 1998, but pictures from the Hubble telescope show the moment four days ago when the two spacecraft crashed into each other.

The chances of such an event at the edge of the solar system were thought to be literally astronomical but the Hubble pictures confirm NASA scientists' worst fears. "It was always possible" said project chief Chris Barrel. "It's been getting a little busy up in that quadrant. Voyager 1 and Pioneer 10 were kinda on the same course and then you also had Galileo which kamikazed onto Jupiter back in September and we've still got Voyager 2 zipping around somewhere up there".

The volume of space traffic headed for deep space via Jupiter has led to headaches at NASA. Pioneer 10 was launched in 1972 and followed by Voyagers 1 and 2 in 1977. Rumours persist of an unnamed "lost probe" which broke contact many years ago.

Chris Barrel could not officially confirm the story but said, "We think there mighta been another one launched back around '75, but the guy behind that project quit some years ago and nobody can remember where this thing was headed or what it was called. Tony down the mailroom thinks it didn't even have a cool name - it was just like a bunch of numbers or something. As for Pioneers 1 to 9, Christ knows."
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empty space gifAL QAEDA ADMITS MISTAKE
"It was the Irish we were after"

In a video released to news organisations, global terror group Al Quaeda has apologised to
Western democracies, Christians and Jews for all recent bombings, murders and terror attacks.
Said a masked spokesman. "It was the Irish we were after. There was a typing error somewhere. Sorry about all the fuss."
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