there is only one you
Michael Jackson with his new chums at the Best Dressed Religion
Awards in New York.
The Archbishop of Canterbury using a metal detector to locate a
carpet tack stuck to a horse.
Desmond Tutu playing snooker with a female friend in Springburn,
US Episcopalian bishop Gene Robinson punching Nigerian Episcopalian
bishop Cyril Okoracha in the head.
Glosso 17 Halo Hair band. This funky alice band glows in the dark
and let's the world know that there is a devil lurking inside your
Glosso 17 Apple of God Lip Gloss. What better way to give silent
prayer than with this 24-hour lip gloss. Snog-resistant and guaranteed
to make any man feel penitent.
The Kneel Mat. Whether kneeling before God or giving your man that
special treat, sooner or later your knees will complain. No more
sore knees with the handy fold away Glosso 17 Kneel Mat.
- The personal life of Seonaid Divine, lifestyle diva
As January's grey mornings stare impassively from the skies, I
wonder about the year ahead. Will this at last be the year of
true love or will it be another year of disappointment, betrayal,
booze hell, weight gain agony and hospitalisation ? In this, the
Chinese Year of the Fruitbat, I pray for world peace, the end
of carbon emmissions and a poster of Matt Damon dressed only in
clingfilm. To my close friends I offer my thanks for their support
during my recent hard times - except for bitch Sarah, who bonked
my ex while I was in hospital.
THAT "BEST DRESSED RELIGION AWARD"
We sent wreckered 's very own party girl Seonaid Divine to New York
last week for the star studded Best Dressed Religion Awards ceremony.
Here is her exclusive report..
By the time you read this you'll probably know that the Nation of
Islam scooped first place in the Best Dressed Religion Awards. But
who were the other winners and losers of the evening ?
Hassidic Jews came a close second for their distinctive black and
white formality softened by casual unbuttoned jackets and stringy
hair bangs. Judge Trudi Smith said, "This is a classic look
and might have won first place but for the Nation of Islam's daring
use of the bow tie."
In third place, impressing the judges with the combination of vivid
colour and flowing robes, the Buddhist Monks. Steve McQueen, bad
boy of British fashion, is a fan of the Buddhist look. "It
is timeless yet futuristic - but rooted in the past. And that trademark
orange colour is like a signal of protest against Guantanamo Bay.
A mixed night for the Catholics was brightened by a special commendation
to the Catholic Church for its use of robes. Said Trudi Smith "Nobody
does robes quite like the Catholics. Their use of bold fabrics and
gold trim is nothing short of inspirational - which is what you
want from a religion." The shock of the evening was the panel's
unanimous dismissal of cardinals. London fashion icon designer guru
Oswald Boetang echoed the panel's view, "We felt that cardinals
could be making more of a statement other than that "look at
me - I'm all dressed in red with a mad hat" sort of thing".
However, there was one more moment of succour for the Catholics
when Holy Stick of the Year went to the Pope for his distinctive
silver and gold sceptre featuring brass and ruby inlay. Unable to
attend the event, the Pope sent a video message expressing his thanks
for the award and blessing all those who voted for his holy stick.
Speaking in English and Italian, a clearly delighted Pope said "This
award is for all the Catholics who have worked so hard over the
last twelve months."
The party went on till the wee hours with the great and the good
of many nations enjoying the wine, wafers and the special foot-high
profiteroles which were designed especially for the event by Nick
Nairn and Jean Paul Gaultier. Highlight of the night was a display
by the Nation of Islam's Cheerleader Army, whose scantily clad lockers
and breakers wowed the guests with a combination of synchronised
marching, body poppping and martial arts. I particularly enjoyed
the US Evangelists who visited every table and spoke in tongues
and shook snakes at a lucky few. Later, a number of guests including
myself, three priests, a wreckered photographer and a shaman from
the Ivory Coast blagged our way into New York's exclusive Heaven
24 nightclub where the dancing continued until 5am.
HUNK OF GOD COMPETITION
Ever since Madonna wore a crucifix, the worlds of religion and fashion
have enjoyed an uneasy relationship. Is fashion unholy ? Can religion
be sexy ? Would priests be more popular if they dressed like rapper
50 Cent ? And which hunk would you most like rubbing your rosary
We want you to let your imagination run wild and tell us which
of these hunks would look best dressed in religious garb. Tell us
which sort of religious garb would best suit your Hunk of God and
you could win a wreckered free gif and salvation.
Email Hunk of God with
your choices and reasons.
Here are your hunks..
a) David Beckham
b) Justin Timberlake
c) Russell Crowe
d) Brad Pitt
GOD HELPED ME LOSE 100 LBS
Housewife Janet Smillie told how God helped her lose 100 lbs in
four days. The 29 yr old mother of two prayed to the Lord every
night for a month in the hope that divine intervention could help
her fit into this season's fashions. Said blonde Janet , "I've
never been religious before, but since the lord God made me svelte,
I've been praising His name everywhere I go." The delighted
weight-loser has been on a paper wafer diet for three months and
told wreckered, "Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins.
God told me that people who arrive at the gates of heaven are routinely
searched for biscuits and other snacks. The guzzling dead have their
snacks confiscated and are ordered to the back of the queue."
Has God helped you lose weight ? Email lifestyle
and share your story with wreckered readers.