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Edition # 10
World news through our eyes
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iPODS LINK TO CANCER
The craze for iPods may halt in its tracks after claims that the must-have music device may cause cancer. Critics of the claims say that no firm evidence of causal links has been offered and that iPod use is safer than other portable music delivery systems.
Doubts remain however about the planned wireless iPod2 which insiders say will be able to download songs from the internet whenever the user is near a mobile phone mast. Environmentalist Jim Arthur said " You'll have all these freaks gathered in circles around phone masts, pressing their iPods like fools. The Four Horsemen are approaching - mark me well."
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J- LO'S ASS EXPLODES
From US correspondent Garin Pirnia

In the middle of a Prada store in New York City this afternoon, the world renowned fashion icon and man handler, Jennifer Lopez, a.k.a. J.Lo, tried on a dress when suddenly her ass spontaneously combusted.
“It was about time this happened. She’d been carrying a lot of junk in her trunk. Now instead of focusing on her ass, maybe she’ll concentrate on improving her lackluster film and music career,” stated a woman on the street.

Fiancé Ben Affleck was on location shooting another blockbuster when he received the news. He quickly boarded his private jet and flew to an undisclosed New York hospital to meet his on again, off again, on again, maybe off, okay on again whore. “It was touching how he rubbed what was left of her behind with fresh $100 bills,” said paparazzi James Hamilton.
J. Lo is expected to make a full recovery, but her career is once again in jeopardy. “First there was the debacle with Gigli" stated J.Lo’s agent Alton Spoon, "then the wedding that never happened, then Ben bought a gun, then Matt Damon ended another relationship continuing speculation about his sexual orientation…It’s been a tough year for them.”

Scientists are dumbfounded how a body part could simply combust. “Personally, I think her ego caused this. She’s lucky she didn’t lose that pretty, vacuous head of hers. Next time she may not make out okay”, stated Carl Sagan. Plastic surgeons are already planning on reconstructing her ass with polyurethane material and butter. Until the surgery is completed she will only be able to be photographed from the waist up and with Dutch angles. “She’ll be back in no time. She’s going to put all this behind her and assume her daily routine…No puns intended,” joked resident plastic surgeon Dr. Stein.
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SASQUATCH SIGHTING IN LONDON
A display by the Royal Highland Pipe Guards was thrown into chaos by a Sasquatch.

The creature brought horror to St James Park, London, when it mauled a piper before disappearing into nearby trees. A nearby piper took this hurried snap moments before the attack. Police immediately threw a cordon around the park but found no trace of the 6-foot ape-like creature. Londoners, already on a high state of alert from terror attacks, have now been advised to use wheelie bins for all household garbage .

Met bosses are said to be seething after Mayor Boris Johnston ordered vital police manpower be diverted from anti-terrorist squads to help search for the Sasquatch.

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Police are currently studying CCTV footage from around St James' Park and privately concede that the sighting -if verified - is further evidence of the so called "Bigfoot" on UK shores.
Read more in wreckered newsbox issue 7

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NASA BLASTS CIRCUS ON MOON CLAIM

NASA chiefs have blasted claims that there is a circus on the moon.

New pictures circulating on the internet show the reflection of a circus in the helmet visor of astronaut Buzz Aldrin, lending weight to conspiracy theories which suggest that the US space agency faked the 1969 moon landings in order to divert attention from the Vietnam War.

Sceptics have long claimed that photos of the landing show shadows which face in the wrong direction, suggesting that the event was faked by NASA and was staged in and around the Nevada desert. Conspiracist David Geller has unearthed proof that the Jimmy Billington Circus was based in Reno for two weeks in summer 1969. He claims that two clowns who worked there died shortly after in mysterious circumstances and that a performing elephant named Gigi was quietly shipped back to Africa in 1970.

Said Geller "The problem is that circus folk are scared to talk about this - too many of their colleagues have been silenced over the years."

Pentagon sources scoffed and pointed to the timing of the story. "This is malice put about by opponents of the president's plan for a Lunar Moonbase and a colony on Mars and the capture of a live space dragon".

Read our outspoken columnist John Crow in yourwreck on why Bush is right to go to Mars

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HORSE IN NEW TRAIN TERROR
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The craze for pantomime horses terrorising trains has spread across the Atlantic. This panto horse was snapped after an orgy of violence aboard an Am-trak train in Canada.


Shocked travellers told how the pantomime horse threatened many of them with beatings and kicked a train guard half to death. The copycat crime (which spread throughout the UK last winter) has alarmed Canadian cops who have little experience of panto horse train terror.

While there is no tradition of pantomime in North American theatres, there has been a recorded increase of 20% in the number of pantomime horse costumes sold by US fancy dress hire stores in the last quarter.

Detective Stuart Green of Ontario Police Department told wreckered, "These panto horses are thumbing their noses at Canadian authorities just because we have Mounties. It is as if they are inviting the chase."

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