AFGHANISTAN - HUNCHBACK ARMY FEAR
SAS in firefight with rooftop Hunchiban
Top brass in Afghanistan have blasted claims
that coalition troops fear the the existence of a hunchback
army. Since the end of major combat operations, rumours have
circulated of a fanatical hunchback army loyal to the Taliban.
British squaddies in Helmand Province are said to be "spooked"
by the stories. However, General Michael "Mick"
Parkin said that morale was high and that the softly-softly
approach was working. "Stories like this tend to pop
up in times of war." he said. "During the Falklands,
there were tales of a giant squid which would avenge the deaths
of the innocent."
Local people however, maintain that the hunchbacks were behind
a recent raid on a police station, in which as many as twenty hunched
men swung in on ropes and a policeman was beaten unconscious with
a bell. The so-called Hunchiban are said to be responsible for a
series of raids on outsize clothing stores in the Kabul area and
have been linked to the assassination of a moderate tribal leader
killed last month by a booby-trapped gargoyle.
OBESITY GURU IN SPANNER
OF LIFE DOOR HORROR
Obesity guru Patrick Rollink was freed by firemen after jamming
himself in the revolving door at the plush Hilton Hotel, Glasgow.
In a three hour operation, fire crews used cutting equipment, acetylane
torches and the spanner of life to free the popular diet expert
and restaurant critic whose best seller "Happiness through
Self Contentment" has seen a three fold increase in contentment.
Onlookers described a jovial Rollink making mime gestures through
the plexiglass door to the rescue teams . Fire Crew Chief John Gillick
said, "He mimed that we shouldn't bother sending in supplies because
he had cakes in his pockets."
An insider revealed that Rollink had dined for two and a half hours
before attempting to leave the hotel. "He had moules mariniere
to start, then two demi-batons of sicilian garlic bread, a bottle
of medoc and then he et an entire goose in a honey marinade on a
bed of fresh pasta and asparagus. Thank God they brought the spanner
Read Daniel Campbell's report on the new fad of "Crass Dieting"
BIGOTS IN BENEFIT FURY
Thousands of bigots are claiming benefits from local authorities.
More than £300m was paid out last year to bigots posing as civilised
taxpayers. The flood of benefit bigots has shocked Home Office mandarins
who have called for urgent action to tackle the wave of legal bigots
now flooding the country. The news follows claims that wife beaters
may be among those receiving benefits from the state. James Frost
of the right wing think-tank Freedom To Punish warned of a backlash.
He told wreckered, "I warn of a backlash."
Bigotry watchers point to a four-fold increase in the last year of
the number of assholes walking about the streets muttering all kinds
of crap at anyone who'll listen. Mr Frost told wreckered and anyone
else who would listen that, "We must weed out the bigots, the
gainsayers and those whose faith may swerve. My wife won't let me
| AIR BANJO WINNER
The fourth annual Air Banjo Invitational was won by Dane Jesper Oleson.
Judges placed Oleson twenty points ahead of the defending champion
A capacity crowd at Braehead Arena watched 32 Air Banjo-ists strut
their stuff on Saturday evening. The cult sport - which began life
in Ireland and which was recently featured in Celtic Connections -
drew fans and air banjoists from the UK and beyond. Highlight of the
night was a special appearance by the Massed Banjos of the Scots Dragoon
Guards, whose trad-jazz skirl-rock had enthusiasts go wild.
The winner was clearly delighted. To a rousing reception as he stalked
the podium, an emotional yet defiant Oleson said, "I want to
tell all my fans that I love them and that this award is for them.
BOFFINS TO CLONE BOFFINS
Cloned boffins are being developed by boffins in an attempt to reassure
the public of the safety of cloning. "We would never ask people
to agree to something that we wouldn't do ourselves" said one
boffin. "So, we plan to clone the scientific community first."
He went on, " The bonus is that people get loads of free boffins
who can add to the knowledge pool and so on."
Others see the move as a way of filling the world with enough scientists
to repopulate the planet, leaving mankind in the merciless hands
of a boffin super-race determined to bend the will of Mother Earth
to that of their own. Nigel Buckland, currently taking a year out,
sounded a note of warning. " Heavy duty. Like, I mean, really,
really, heavy duty."
|FRUIT DRINK MAN
Fruit drink mogul Stuart Murphy has promised legal action in a bid
to save his most famous drink from a "dumbass re-branding initiative."
Murphy, inventor of the Kwik-Kwosh-Kwenchy-Kup, left the Scottish
Soda Company in 1999 with a handsome payoff in the region of £10
million, but is said to be furious over plans by his former partner
to re-launch the drink - but this time with the correct spelling.
Said Murphy, "The last thing the consumer needs is to be baffled
by big words and tricky combinations of letters such as Q and U. This
is political correctness gone mad."
| SCOT WAS MAYOR OF POMPEII
Archeologists have unearthed evidence that a Scot was the mayor of
tragic volcano town PompeIi. Recent finds by time boffins include
the bones of a Pictish man wearing a roman "necklace of senatorium."
The Pict - dubbed Shagger Jack by bones watchers - is thought to have
ruled PompeIi sometime in 3BC.
Site manager Jo Sutherland said, "Roman chronicles of the time
speak of the man of woad and wine who decreed a ten-year long party
in honour of any god you like". Greek legend tells of how the
god Bacchus struck down PompeIi in a fit of rage after getting turned
away at the gates.