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News # 14
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Woman Talks The Hind Legs Off A Donkey

A Scottish woman is being prosecuted by the owner of a Blackpool beach donkey after allegedly talking the hind legs off the animal.

Jade McHugh denies that her chat caused the hind legs of the donkey to crumble and snap.

She told wreckered:"I don't deny speaking to it, but there is no way I talked the hind legs off it."

She claims that the donkey's hind legs were "already probably totally fucked by the time I started telling it about how we'd had a great night last week down at the Calton Studios but I'd ended up nutted and never made it to my work the next day but that was okay because they already owed me holidays but anyway it caused a massive friction between me and my husband but as far as I'm concerned he was out the weekend before and it's about time he took a turn looking after the kids I don't see why it should always be me so I ended up in Blackpool with the girls and we'd had a couple of glasses of wine and the next thing I was talking to this donkey but it was sitting down for a rest and i couldn't tell you whether it had back legs or not I was just talking to it's face."

 

 



Pale Scots Blind Resort Family

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Three members of an Italian family have been blinded by glint after pale Scottish people arrived at the popular holiday resort of Alcatante in Spain.

Local press reported that the Scots, newly arrived at the resort, staggered from their hotel and crested a sand dune whereupon strong sunlight is said to have reflected from their skin and dazzled beach-goers and life guards.

An Italian family in the direct line of the reflection was airlifted to a local hospital after being treated by an nearby optometrist.

The mayor of Alcatante, Pablo Seppardo, echoed the concerns of locals who worry about the influx of Celtic people in the height of summer. "Last year an Irishman fried to death on this same beach".







Really Crazy Golf

The traditional seaside game of crazy golf could get really crazy, if a group of extreme crazy golfers have their way.

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Stuart Mitchell of Golf Extreme plans to build the biggest crazy golf course in the world at a location in the north east of Scotland.

"We're talking about a golf course which is normal size - but is crazy. Castles, drainpipes, tunnels, full size, windmills, bagatelle flippers, angry dogs, the works."

Mitchell claims that planning permission has been granted to build the 18-hole crazy golf course over twenty acres of land near Aberdeen, Scotland.

"We're using housing schemes as fairways, bus stops for tees and the fourteenth is actually inside a train which goes from Aberdeen to Perth."

The project will bring nine jobs to the area and an estimated £15 million income per annum.

While Donald Trump's planned golf course nearby has stirred passions across the community, Mitchell claims that locals are on board for the gigantic crazy golf scheme.

"We made no moves before talking to local people and getting the nod from them. Nobody is going to lose their home as a result of crazy golf. The residents are up for it, the investors are in place, the land is earmarked. This is a no-brainer. Let's go crazy!"




 

Giant Wasp Found

The fossil of a giant wasp has been found in a hill close to Oban, Scotland. Local man Lorne Walton said, "You should have seen this thing. Massive, it was. It was like, this really giant wasp. Fuck knows what sort of state you would have been in if this thing had stung you or flew in your window".

Fellow Oban resident and amateur archeologist, David Hamilton, who supervised the dig, said, "It was about the size of an Indian elephant. But with wings and a beak. Thank Christ I didn't live in the times when something like this was flying about. Fucking massive it was."



 

Airport Security Measures


Holidaymakers face more travel chaos after US and UK airport authorities confirmed stringent new security measures in the face of increasing terror threats.

Adding to a range of existing measures from biometric analysis to removal of orthodontic cleaning solutions, airport staff have been trained to spot irregular body language signals such as the wearing of beards, the raising of eyebrows in response to questions and the secretion of extraneous stomachs.

Human Rights groups have singled out an initiative whereby female travellers wearing ill-fitting bras will be asked to state their cup size.

Brendan Parker of the right-wing think tank Freedom to Punish hailed the new measures as "an appropriate response to the terror groups. You are either normal or you are not. There is no middle ground. There is only a battleground."

 



Haunted House Tour Claims Another Life

A third person has died at Arrocher House on Scotland's west coast while taking part in an infamous Haunted House tour.

The pensioner, who has yet to be named, was part of a group of twelve who elected to spend the night in what is reputed to be Britain's most haunted house. Tour Guide John Ross is being questioned by police after the latest tragedy to befall visitors to Arrocher House.

His solicitor Raymond Mearns told wreckered, "My client is co-operating with the authorities and refutes the rumours that his brother-in-law is an axe-weilding maniac in a hockey mask who hasn't had a blow job in eight years."

In 2008 a Japanese tourist was found dead with a broken neck in the kitchen of Arrocher House and in 2006 a family of American tourists looking for their roots had their trip to Scotland marred by the suspicious crucifixion of their eldest son. Again, in Arrocher House.


In the next edition of wreckered magazine, we send our outspoken columnist John Crow to Arrocher House to reveal the truth behind the truth.

 


 

 

Shrine Where Something Really Ordinary Once Happened

by Xenia Schiller

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Visitors at The Wall of Lapsed Recall


Ask the locals and no one seems to know what came to pass that particular day, the date of which has long since been forgotten.

You’ll understand it couldn’t have been too important, or someone would surely remember. Visit the Wall of Lapsed Recall, where tourists often leave flowers and toys to commemorate the non-event, and those who may have participated in it.

Light a candle, hold a vigil. The choice is yours. It doesn’t even matter.

Enjoy some dining in the local restaurants that have sprung up around the area where who-knows-what might have happened. The sky’s the limit, unless your imagination curbs it first.


Also Recommended: Walking Tour of Sites You Could Just as Soon Miss

 

 

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