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News # 15
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Falkland Islands for sale on ebay

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The Falkland Islands are for sale on ebay.

In a referendum, islanders voted to put an end once and for all to the tensions between Great Britain and Argentina and simply put the disputed territory up for auction on ebay.

"We've had enough" said one islander. We're tired of all this crap. We don't care anymore. The place is a toilet anyway."


Moon moving further away

The moon is moving further away and will cause the end of life as we know it, say boffins.

Scientists have long known that the universe is accelerating. Following the Big Bang, the universe expanded at a tremendous rate and, to the bafflement of boffins, shows no sign of slowing down. In fact, the space between planets, stars, galaxies and the other stuff, so-called “dark stuff”, is increasing.

John Scott, technical director at The Institute Of the Moon, says, “Given what we have observed, it is no surprise that we now see the moon is getting further away. It’s heavy duty.”

His assertions, however, are disputed by others of the science community who claim that the moon is still where it used to be but that it is planet Earth which is moving further away from the moon.

“If you imagine our solar system to be in a straight line”, says Dr David Coyle, “the Earth has moved about eight or nine miles to the right. Mars is also moving to the right, but at a much slower rate than we are. This means that within a relatively short time, we can seriously plan travel to Mars because the distance between the two planets is decreasing.”

While Mars explorers will be winners, there will of course be losers. Tidal changes will cause the erosion of coastlines and problems for surfers. And as the moon grows smaller in our skies, no-one can anticipate the consequences for romantics and werewolves.


Drug users none the wiser

A report by right-wing think tank Freedom to Punish suggests that drug use In Scotland has fallen by 6% while rising by 18%.

The number of users of heroin has fallen by 2% but the number of cocaine users has risen by 4% among 22% of those in the 18-25 yearold age range.

40% of new non-cocaine users reported that their drug of choice had changed from an average of 60% heroin per calender week to 41% mephodrone and 12% MDMA.

Almost 10 % of respondents in a poll of 500 drug users reported that their daily expenditure on drugs was between 10% and 12.5% higher than the national average - a figures estimated to be between 60 -70% of the voting age population.

In the past year, a total of 15, 303 new clients were assessed as to their suitability to be included in national averages of Class A drug use dependencies (based on the EU GDU Statistical Line).

Of those, 22% claimed to be among the 48% of unincluded respondents who abstained from the concept of demographic-led percentages.

Brendan Parker of FreedomTo Punish said, "These figures clearly show that more than 75 % of news stories are being written by a small percentage of journalists whose agenda is broader then the majority of right thinking people and whose jouranlistic style resembles that of an algebra victim. All the anecdotal evidence from right thinking people suggests clearlythat something needs to be done."


Paralysed Man Can Tap Dance

A 24 year old man, paralysed in both legs since a traffic accident ten years ago, has been fitted with bionic “Jazz Legs” which allow him to tap dance. Scot Darren Connell is said to be delighted at his new found mobility.

The Jazz Legs were originally designed as normal bionic limbs but were considered too powerful for normal walking, sitting and other leg-based movements.

“We were working on neural-control prosthetics and as part of that process, we had built these prototypes” said Doctor Jamie Dalgleish. “They were never intended for use, simply as stage four in the development process. However, when we found out that Darren is a massive jazz fan, we decided that rather than throwing them in the bin we may as well stick them on to Darren.”

New legs owner Connell said, “To me they’re just perfect. I get great reaction when I go into the shop to buy milk or something. Or if I’m waiting on a bus. And if you think about it, Sammy Davis Junior was an excellent tap dancer and he had a false eye.”


MSPs in stooshie

by Martin McCallister

Tensions amongst rival MSPs have been high following SNP member Joan McAlpine’s accusation that the Unionist parties’ leadership are “anti-Scottish”.

Tensions overflowed in a stooshie last night in The World’s End Pub in Edinburgh, when a show of extreme Scottishness broke out amongst the main parties at Holyrood. The SNP members reportedly started the nationalist pride argument when they accused their unionist counterparts of being ashamed of their Scottishness.

All five SNP MSPs demonstrated that they had tartan upon their person, in the form of a woolen tie, a tammy, a hankie, a pair of royal stewart breeks, and underpants. A whisky drinking challenge was issued by a Liberal Democrat and bevvy-based carnage ensued.

A Labour politician threatened the SNP spokesperson with “a good doing”. Then the SNP member accused him of associating Scottish-ness with mindless violence, to which the Glaswegian responded with a punch in the mouth. Blood spurted over the nationalist coupon, preventing him from eating his Cock-a-leekie soup.

The younger of the two Tory members stepped to his nearby Old Town flat, returning in full family tartan, and armed with bagpipes. The Liberal politician, who comprises 20% of the party’s representation at Holyrood, ran to a nearby gift shop returning with bars of Highland Toffee which he doled out to the drinkers. A ScotNat poured a pint of heavy over a Unionist’s heid who responded by boaking all over his attacker’s tunic.

The Nat called him a “Dunderheid Sassenach” and skelped him against the windae. Auld Reekie had never seen the likes.

By now, the SNP strategy was to use as many Scottish words as possible, a policy they have often used through the years. The stramash ended when all elected representatives were ejected and ordered hame to their respective scratchers. The SNP MSPs stoated off up High Street in the general direction of the castle and the unionists sauntered down towards Holyrood.

As of this morning, none of the MSPs involved were available for comment and their bedroom blinds were drawn.

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